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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24159160">i say i'll care forever (and i mean forever)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/svladcjelli/pseuds/svladcjelli'>svladcjelli</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i know i'm not as cool as i'd like to be (11.22.63 Fix-It) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>11.22.63 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, bill deserved better what the fuck, bill is going through it man, but they cuddling so its up to you, damn ma is it that serious, if u are reading it as romantic then itd be established relationship, it could be read as platonic, like very much so</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:01:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,446</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24159160</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/svladcjelli/pseuds/svladcjelli</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill was never quiet - until he was. <br/>(Alternately, Bill lives but not without repercussion.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jake Epping/Bill Turcotte</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i know i'm not as cool as i'd like to be (11.22.63 Fix-It) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1774312</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i say i'll care forever (and i mean forever)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i finally finished watching 112263,,, baby boy bill deserved the WORLD and i cannot believe jake did him dirty like that. :( title from "crazy he calls me" by billie holiday! anyway, hope you like this!!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jake had left him.</p><p>Jake did much worse than that, though. He had deceived him, broken his trust when it was convenient for him. He made Bill feel safe and important until- well, until he didn't. </p><p>Fuck you, Jake Epping. </p><p> </p><p>Jake, on the other hand, knew it had to be done. Past his head clouded with guilt he knew it was necessary (right?)</p><p>It was when he went back back to the institution and took a look at Bill that he realized he had fucked up. </p><p>He had fucked up bad. </p><p>Maybe it was the way Bill looked slimmer than when he left him, or the haunted-dazed look in his eyes, or the fact that Bill took so long to recongise him. </p><p>His hair was far more mussed and greasy than Jake had ever seen it (even with a shotty memory), as well as a shaved and bruised patch near his hair on the right side of his head, just above his ear. </p><p>Electroshock therapy, the doctor had said. Something dropped in Jake's stomach- he knew it wouldn't be pleasant, but he didn't mean to put Bill through something like that. He didn't expect to see Bill looking at Sadie like she was a ghost. </p><p>Bill was only the shell of a person he once was. </p><p>It was when Bill started talking that Jake realized how much worse he made everything.</p><p>Bill sounded near-robotic, giving responses that weren't his. It was like someone else was speaking the words Bill said, his small-town Kentucky born accent still present but all the words he said held no meaning. Except maybe, and just maybe, the one about the Jell-O. Jake made a mental note of that. </p><p>
  <em>"If I was your friend, why did you do this to me?" </em>
</p><p>Jake didn't know how to answer a question like that. What did Bill expect him to say? <em>I'm sorry I probably fucked up the rest of your entire life, but I need you to know that I'd never hurt you?</em></p><p>From what he could remember, he expected Bill to be upset at him for leaving. He prepared himself to be screamed at or maybe even hit, not to be met with a ghost. Bill stayed silent the full time Jake was signing discharge papers which could easily be the most eerie experience Jake had to date. </p><p>Bill Turcotte was never quiet. </p><p><em>"Bill!</em><em>"  </em>Sadie shrieked. </p><p>Jake had never whipped his head around so fast. Bill had been sitting at the edge of the window reading himself to jump when Sadie had managed to grab him by his shirt collar, pulling him backwards where his body would collide with the floor. The sound Bill's body made wasn't a thud, it was akin to a hollow sound for it was all bone colliding with hard flooring. Sadie had him held down which probably didn't help in the moment, but was vital for Bill's safety. He squirmed under her gentle push, trying to escape but without much success. </p><p>Immediately Jake as crouched by his side, caught somewhere between wanting to soothe or yell at him for being so stupid. If Sadie had been one second later, Bill would be a mess on the pavement. </p><p> Jake didn't like to think about it. </p><p>"Please- Lemme go! Can't, I can't do this, I'm-" Bill wouldn't stop flailing his too-long limbs, kicking his legs out like he was being hurt. It pulled at something in Jake's heart. </p><p>"It's alright, Bill, calm down! I'm here, I'm here." He rested a hand on the surface of Bill's shoulder, not holding him down but simply holding him. The effect wasn't immediate as Bill continued to squirm but only for a moment. </p><p>Bill stopped when he felt Jake. He felt that he was really there and not someone created by his <em>sickness </em>and oh God, he had come back and it was going to be okay and Jake would fix it-</p><p>Bill looked around the room, still adverting his gaze from anyone's face. Sadie helped him sit up, letting him sit cross-legged on the floor to recuperate while Jake finished talking to the doctor. He pulled Jake to the side of the room.</p><p>"In all his time here, we've never seen him act out like that. Are you still sure you want to take him home, son?" </p><p>Jake hesitated (though he knew he shouldn't have.) </p><p>"Yeah. We'll take care of him." </p><p> </p><p>Sadie and Jake chose Simmons to look after Bill until Jake had finished saving Kennedy. He had told Simmons to keep a good eye on him, to make sure Bill didn't do anything rash. </p><p>When Jake came to bring Bill home, he realized Bill did all but that. According to Simmons, he hadn't done much of anything which wouldn't be concerning if it were anyone but Bill. </p><p>Bringing Bill home was something on its own. Bill was compliant with everything Jake did or said, there were no snarky comments or backhanded remarks. The most he got were some robotic responses that clearly weren't Bill's. </p><p>It felt wrong. </p><p>When they got home, Bill scurried off to hide in his room for the rest of the day similar to a wounded animal. </p><p>It was hard without Sadie, but Jake didn't know if Bill knew what was happening around him. Jake theorized he had some sort of memory loss, but he didn't know if Bill was acting out of fear. Even then, fear of what? Fear of Jake abandoning him or being shocked like cattle? </p><p>It didn't matter when Bill hadn't come out of his room for four and a half hours. </p><p>The door had been left open, Bill hadn't bothered to slam it or any of the things the Bill he knew would. Jake crept to the doorway, peering in to see Bill sat next to the bed. Not on it, just next to it with his knees drawn to his chest. He was staring at the ground without any semblance of purpose, he didn't wear a lost-in-thought expression. </p><p>It was only blank. Like he had nothing better to do, nothing to occupy him. </p><p>Instead of trying to forcefully draw Bill out, he sat next to him. He talked for a while, talked about Sadie and Oswald and the future while Bill was fine with listening. </p><p>"You're real, aren't you?" </p><p><em>The future. </em>He wanted nothing more than to take Bill with him back to 2016, where they could have something similar to peace. </p><p>He didn't notice Bill beginning to stare at him with awe, like he was the first person to show him any attention. And though he didn't want to think about it, he knew somewhere in his heart that he was. </p><p>"I'm real." </p><p> </p><p>The following days were still a struggle. Bill had his ups and downs, some days were better than others but for the most part he remained a husk of a person Jake knew. </p><p>But that didn't mean Jake stopped loving him. </p><p>On Bill's good days, part of his cynical personality still came to light- the way he cracked a smile and called Jake a <em>fuckin' idiot </em>felt like a beacon of hope. Jake wasn't naive, though, he knew things would never return to normal. </p><p>And that was okay, they would work through it together. </p><p>Nights were always the hardest. There were some evenings where Bill would lose track of where he was, thinking he was either still in the institution or back in Holden. Jake knew he could have prevented all of this, he knew he could've prevented Bill from hurting so bad. He was selfish and now he's facing the outcome. </p><p>And if the outcome was Bill shrieking his name at ungodly hours of the morning, then so be it. </p><p>It was the second time that week that Bill had screamed in his sleep and was the second time Jake had to step in. Bill's blankets were a tangled puddle twisted around his legs as he thrashed around, Jake slipping right next to him. He lightly gripped Bill so he wouldn't jolt. </p><p>"Bill, it's fine. It's Jake, you're okay." </p><p>Bill stiffened in Jake's grip, breath coming in heavy. He took a moment for himself to stop shaking while Jake held him through it. </p><p>"Mm." </p><p>"Finally back with me?" </p><p>"Fuck you, Jake Epping." </p><p>There was no malice behind the words, but Jake supposed he deserved it. </p><p>"They tried to make me forget, y'know." </p><p>"I know. But you're here now." </p><p>"Tried makin' me forget you. They almost did, too. Started forgettin' what you looked like." </p><p>Something twisted in Jake's stomach. </p><p>"But like you said, I'm 'ere now. With you." </p><p> </p><p>There was a pause, but only brief. Jake smiled. </p><p> </p><p>"With me." </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>let! them! sleep! i hope i did this well. as always, thanks for reading!! mwah</p></blockquote></div></div>
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